Here’s a micro-story I started with the Access Crypto Summit flash fiction prompt in mind, left half done, and then belatedly finished off anyway, because it seemed a waste not to:
BUZZFEED/CQ CONGRESSIONAL TRANSCRIPTS
September 25, 2023 – FINAL
Excerpts from Senate Judiciary Committee Hearing on the Deterring & Interdicting Child Pornographers & Internet Criminals Act.
SEN. TRUMP (R-NJ): Look Mr. Chaudry, my time is too valuable to waste untangling a lot of nerdspeak; I have people for that. And I don’t care about Forehead Secrecy. So let me just ask you this. Are you a pervert, sir?
CHAUDRY: Senator? I don’t…
SEN. TRUMP: Are you turned on by kids, sexually? Little towheaded boys, maybe? Because we’ve heard from no fewer than four attorneys today that you eggheads could find a way to help the FBI out, without unsecuring your cybers, if you really wanted to. So I can only assume you’re just determined to help sickos trade their kiddy porn for some reason. What IS that reason, Mr. Chaudry?
CHAUDRY: Senator, we at Vygenere have always complied with lawful requests for the limited information available to us, but the peer-to-peer architecture of our platform… (LOUD SNORING NOISES FROM SEN. TRUMP) Senator, I’m trying to… Madam Chair, is this line of questioning even allowed?
SEN. GERMANOTTA (D-NY): The gentleman will suspend.
SEN. TRUMP: I withdraw the question. No surprise he doesn’t want to answer it, huh? Look, Mr. Chaudry, the number of buildings I own — more than people think, by the way — I know something about architecture. If yours is helping your sicko buddies hide out, maybe you’d better build a different one. Something a little classier. I’ll reserve the balance of my time for our non-pedophile witnesses.
—-
CRYPTO-2032/3/16
BROOKINGS INSTITUTION
ADDRESSING THE THREAT OF OPEN SOURCE ENCRYPTION
WITTES CENTER FOR ORDERED LIBERTY AUDITORIUM — WASHINGTON, D.C.
FEATURED SPEAKER: FBI DIRECTOR JAYDEN ZHOU-BISSELL
Thank you; it is a profound and amazeballs privilege to be asked to address this totes important topic with you today. As most in this audience will already be aware, the Deterring & Interdicting Child Pornographers & Internet Criminals Act of 2024 has proven an invaluable tool in our ongoing war on micro-tax piracy and other forms of HASHTAG! #EconomicTreason.
Unfortunately, nobody could have predicted the way unpatriotic foreign companies and — still more disturbing — lawless gangs of anonymous so-called “open source programmers” would invite HASHTAG! #CryptoAnarchy by releasing code in flagrant violation of — well, at the very least of the spirit of the law. And they do this at the very moment when the threat to the homeland from Radical Vegan Objectivism and, of course, the plague of the NeoSalafist Repugno-Parfitians is most severe. Well, I propose we show the world they can’t just laugh at America’s DICPIC.
That’s why today I’m urging Congress to move expeditiously to pass the Safe Computing Act, which will require personal computing devices sold in the United States — or made by American corporations, wherever sold — to implement a trusted computing protocol our brave persons at Fort Meade have cooked up to ensure that only software cryptographically signed by a responsible corporation can be run on new devices. I’m pleased to announce that, in contrast to their HASHTAG! #ObstreperousStance on previous sensible security measures, the American technology sector, excepting a handful of incurably dogmatic outliers, is firmly with us on this.
This measure should also help us to stem the unprecedented and growing tide of sensitive database security breaches that have become a mainstay of our morning feeds. When you can only run HASHTAG! #ApprovedApps, you know you’re not running HASHTAG! #BadApps.
—-
20 MINUTES INTO THE PAST
APPLESOFT NEWSBLAST DOWNSAMPLED TO ASCII (2D). BLINK TO UPGRADE TO TAIWANSIM (3D) MOJIGLYPH (4D) OR DIRECT GENTIAL STIMULATION (4D).
(SCA#LINK) (FROWNY FACE) (PETMEME-347) (WACHOWSKI-K.298) (PENN&TELLER-433) (ATTACHMENT#3)
CryptoPanther implementations ((FNORD)) ((CRIMETHINK)) released for AUGMENTR Environment Object Language; Excelsior Spreadsheet; Maytag SmartFridge 6.3; WarbyMonocle OS 2.x & 3.x; GooPrinter 1+.x;(BLINK FOR FULL LIST)
(ORACLE) ((LIMBIC)) ((FNORD)) (MONEY) ((FNORD)) (FINLAND) ((FNORD)) (MAURITIUS) ((FNORD)) (PARAGUAY) ((FNORD)) (GREENLAND) ((FNORD)) ((BLINK TWICE IF YOU ARE SCARED))
Officials ((FNORD)) say #EconSads (CAUSALITY) #TreasonTech. Report (DATA#ATTACHMENT#6) proves 6HrHEls(tha;STACKOVERRUN
Always a pleasant surprise to find somebody else bothering to poll the source code. You don’t have to live like this. We don’t have to live like this. We can make people ((NOTICE THESE COMMANDS)). Our Public Key is Cirrus. Socrates. Particle. Decibel. Hurricane. Dolphin. Tulip. Lollapalooza… (PACKETDROP)((FNORD))
YOUR INTEREST IN THIS TOPIC HAS BEEN LOGGED.
(EOF)
87 responses so far ↓
1 Saint Aardvark the Carpeted // Aug 5, 2015 at 9:12 pm
Damn that’s good. Well played, sir.
2 bridal makeup artist in chennai|best bridal makeup in chennai|beautician in chennai for bridal makeup|best parlour for bridal makeup in chennai|bridal makeup packages in chennai|christian bridal makeup in chennai|bridal makeup in chennai|beautician for br // Sep 10, 2015 at 6:27 am
It’s fantastic that you are getting ideas from this paragraph as well as from our dialogue made at this place.|
3 sania@SEO Courses // Jan 27, 2016 at 5:59 am
wow that’s awesome.Well done.
It’s fabulous that you are getting thoughts from this passage and in addition from our dialog made at this spot
4 itinerary umroh // Feb 17, 2016 at 8:14 am
nicee
umroh ramadhan 2016 murah
5 Lucy | Digital Marketing // Mar 3, 2016 at 2:26 am
great job sir, Well performed.
6 Raj Sharma // Mar 11, 2016 at 7:05 am
wow.. That’s nice .. Thanks for sharing this post.
7 dorean prognostika // Mar 22, 2016 at 8:36 am
Τhat’s awesome.Well done 🙂
8 froutakia // Mar 25, 2016 at 6:47 am
Its a very interesting article..thank you very much!
9 faroi // Mar 25, 2016 at 6:47 am
always interesting your issues 🙂
10 ilmaiskierroksia casino // Mar 29, 2016 at 5:09 am
Jokainen listaamamme nettikasino tarjoaa sinulle myös tervetuliaispaketin, joka pitää sisällään talletusbonuksia ja ilmaiskierroksia netin suosituimpiin videokolikkopeleihin
11 Vidya@ nebosh igc // Apr 3, 2016 at 8:48 am
Very nicely written . Thank you for sharing
12 Renee Marie Vetter // Apr 19, 2016 at 2:04 pm
I’m sorry if this is off-totes, Mr. Blaze-Sandchez, but I take issue with your namecalling a character. I really don’t feel Bissell appropriately expresses the quality of your fictional Zhou character. Bissell is a low-rated product among vacuum cleaners.
How about Zhou-Kenmore or Zhou-Kirby? They receive higher ratings. This would avoid any problems with the Federal Association of Politically-Correct Labeling of Fictional Characters.*
Thank you for your attention to this sensitive topic.
{ * This is a fictional character and not to be confused with any living or dead nosy relatives. }
13 Ana | Pro kabaddi // Apr 22, 2016 at 8:48 am
That’s awesome Sir, Very well performed. Love to read your post about crytofiction.
14 forum lendir // Apr 26, 2016 at 5:34 pm
Thank you for some other informative blog. The place
else may I get that kind of information written in such
a perfect approach? I’ve a undertaking that I’m simply now
operating on, and I’ve been on the look out for such information. http://forumnakal.com
15 forum semprot // May 8, 2016 at 3:32 pm
Sart is an artist and artists appreciate other artist’s work.
You obviously don’t know who Kanye West is.
16 forum dewasa // May 8, 2016 at 3:33 pm
good gan mantap dah
17 Lendir IGO // May 8, 2016 at 3:34 pm
jos gandos bos e 😀
18 forum dewasa // May 8, 2016 at 3:35 pm
http://forumlendir.com/forums/lendir-igo.21/
19 Web Design Company // May 17, 2016 at 7:07 am
Thanks for sharing this article for us, it is worth reading,
20 Tom // May 19, 2016 at 7:00 pm
That’s awesome Sir, Very well performed. Love to read your post about crytofiction.
21 SocialTroopz // Jun 1, 2016 at 9:31 am
Love to read about this. really a great performance
22 Geetha // Jul 7, 2016 at 2:33 am
This blog provides useful information about new techniques and concepts.very impressive lines are given which is very attractive.
23 Ali @marble floorings // Jul 20, 2016 at 10:21 am
Thanks for sharing amazing article.
24 Ankur // Jul 31, 2016 at 6:34 am
This is the best words about crytofiction. we thank full for you to share these with us.
25 MEENAKSHI // Sep 25, 2016 at 7:19 am
Great work! thanks for this type of micro-story
26 Shilpi // Sep 27, 2016 at 7:07 am
Very nice blog, loved it. keep up the good work 🙂
27 Anaya // Oct 6, 2016 at 3:56 am
This is as beautiful as it gets. I appreciate your work, thanks for sharing.
28 Sherlyn // Oct 15, 2016 at 1:30 am
There is a beautiful message to us. I love to Read about and talk to to my friends about this.
29 Abhishek // Oct 15, 2016 at 1:31 am
Bestest Blog i Have ever seen. Share these type of things with us. Thank you.
30 Ananya // Oct 15, 2016 at 6:39 pm
This article is so nice that i would like to give this 5 star ranting.Thank for sharing.
31 Digital Marketing Course Dwarka // Nov 7, 2016 at 3:52 am
Great Job, very nicely written . Thank you for sharing
32 coursecrown // Nov 9, 2016 at 8:56 am
Thanks for this post. keep sharing your great work.
33 Digital Marketing Course in Delhi // Nov 19, 2016 at 1:43 am
Great Job and Nice Information. Keep it Up
34 Sarkari Naukri // Nov 20, 2016 at 7:08 am
Thanks for sharing amazing article.
35 pof login // Nov 30, 2016 at 11:53 pm
Thanks for the best blog.it was very useful for me. keep sharing such ideas in the future as well. this was actually what i was looking for,and i am glad to came here!
36 digital marketing course in janakpuri // Dec 14, 2016 at 8:21 am
great article nice information thanks to share with us.
37 Tina // Dec 15, 2016 at 3:51 am
Thanks for sharing amazing article.
38 kurnia sandi // Dec 16, 2016 at 3:37 pm
thanks for sharing..
39 Dorian Blue // Jan 18, 2017 at 12:51 pm
Thanks for sharing this amazing article
40 atish@Travel Tourism Institute // Feb 13, 2017 at 3:51 am
thanks for sharing a great post
41 IndoLiveCasino // Feb 14, 2017 at 2:21 am
Great article.
42 Abcya Games // Mar 31, 2017 at 5:57 am
thank for blog =))
43 Aditi // Apr 2, 2017 at 7:59 pm
I like your article and give you 5 stars out of 5.
44 Technaq System // Apr 21, 2017 at 5:23 am
very effctive
45 Technaq System // Apr 21, 2017 at 5:24 am
ciool
46 Technaq System // Apr 21, 2017 at 5:24 am
very effective
47 install ms office setup // Apr 24, 2017 at 3:21 am
nice one blog keep posting keep sharing with us.
48 Akansha // Apr 25, 2017 at 4:58 am
Post was so amazing thanks for sharing with us such a nice info.
49 junita88 // May 8, 2017 at 11:28 pm
alhamdulilah ya rab
50 junita88 // May 8, 2017 at 11:34 pm
keep sharing with tehe best articel