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A CryptoFiction

August 5th, 2015 · 41 Comments

Here’s a micro-story I started with the Access Crypto Summit flash fiction prompt in mind, left half done, and then belatedly finished off anyway, because it seemed a waste not to:

 

BUZZFEED/CQ CONGRESSIONAL TRANSCRIPTS
September 25, 2023 – FINAL

Excerpts from Senate Judiciary Committee Hearing on the Deterring & Interdicting Child Pornographers & Internet Criminals Act.

SEN. TRUMP (R-NJ): Look Mr. Chaudry, my time is too valuable to waste untangling a lot of nerdspeak; I have people for that. And I don’t care about Forehead Secrecy. So let me just ask you this. Are you a pervert, sir?

CHAUDRY: Senator? I don’t…

SEN. TRUMP: Are you turned on by kids, sexually? Little towheaded boys, maybe? Because we’ve heard from no fewer than four attorneys today that you eggheads could find a way to help the FBI out, without unsecuring your cybers, if you really wanted to. So I can only assume you’re just determined to help sickos trade their kiddy porn for some reason. What IS that reason, Mr. Chaudry?

CHAUDRY: Senator, we at Vygenere have always complied with lawful requests for the limited information available to us, but the peer-to-peer architecture of our platform… (LOUD SNORING NOISES FROM SEN. TRUMP) Senator, I’m trying to… Madam Chair, is this line of questioning even allowed?

SEN. GERMANOTTA (D-NY): The gentleman will suspend.

SEN. TRUMP: I withdraw the question. No surprise he doesn’t want to answer it, huh? Look, Mr. Chaudry, the number of buildings I own — more than people think, by the way — I know something about architecture. If yours is helping your sicko buddies hide out, maybe you’d better build a different one. Something a little classier. I’ll reserve the balance of my time for our non-pedophile witnesses.

—-

CRYPTO-2032/3/16

BROOKINGS INSTITUTION
ADDRESSING THE THREAT OF OPEN SOURCE ENCRYPTION
WITTES CENTER FOR ORDERED LIBERTY AUDITORIUM — WASHINGTON, D.C.

FEATURED SPEAKER: FBI DIRECTOR JAYDEN ZHOU-BISSELL

Thank you; it is a profound and amazeballs privilege to be asked to address this totes important topic with you today. As most in this audience will already be aware, the Deterring & Interdicting Child Pornographers & Internet Criminals Act of 2024 has proven an invaluable tool in our ongoing war on micro-tax piracy and other forms of HASHTAG! #EconomicTreason.

Unfortunately, nobody could have predicted the way unpatriotic foreign companies and — still more disturbing — lawless gangs of anonymous so-called “open source programmers” would invite HASHTAG! #CryptoAnarchy by releasing code in flagrant violation of — well, at the very least of the spirit of the law. And they do this at the very moment when the threat to the homeland from Radical Vegan Objectivism and, of course, the plague of the NeoSalafist Repugno-Parfitians is most severe. Well, I propose we show the world they can’t just laugh at America’s DICPIC.

That’s why today I’m urging Congress to move expeditiously to pass the Safe Computing Act, which will require personal computing devices sold in the United States — or made by American corporations, wherever sold — to implement a trusted computing protocol our brave persons at Fort Meade have cooked up to ensure that only software cryptographically signed by a responsible corporation can be run on new devices. I’m pleased to announce that, in contrast to their HASHTAG! #ObstreperousStance on previous sensible security measures, the American technology sector, excepting a handful of incurably dogmatic outliers, is firmly with us on this.

This measure should also help us to stem the unprecedented and growing tide of sensitive database security breaches that have become a mainstay of our morning feeds. When you can only run HASHTAG! #ApprovedApps, you know you’re not running HASHTAG! #BadApps.
—-

20 MINUTES INTO THE PAST
APPLESOFT NEWSBLAST DOWNSAMPLED TO ASCII (2D). BLINK TO UPGRADE TO TAIWANSIM (3D) MOJIGLYPH (4D) OR DIRECT GENTIAL STIMULATION (4D).

(SCA#LINK) (FROWNY FACE) (PETMEME-347) (WACHOWSKI-K.298) (PENN&TELLER-433) (ATTACHMENT#3)

CryptoPanther implementations ((FNORD)) ((CRIMETHINK)) released for AUGMENTR Environment Object Language; Excelsior Spreadsheet; Maytag SmartFridge 6.3; WarbyMonocle OS 2.x & 3.x; GooPrinter 1+.x;(BLINK FOR FULL LIST)

(ORACLE) ((LIMBIC)) ((FNORD)) (MONEY) ((FNORD)) (FINLAND) ((FNORD)) (MAURITIUS) ((FNORD)) (PARAGUAY) ((FNORD)) (GREENLAND) ((FNORD)) ((BLINK TWICE IF YOU ARE SCARED))

Officials ((FNORD)) say #EconSads (CAUSALITY) #TreasonTech. Report (DATA#ATTACHMENT#6) proves 6HrHEls(tha;STACKOVERRUN

Always a pleasant surprise to find somebody else bothering to poll the source code. You don’t have to live like this. We don’t have to live like this.  We can make people ((NOTICE THESE COMMANDS)). Our Public Key is Cirrus. Socrates. Particle. Decibel. Hurricane. Dolphin. Tulip. Lollapalooza… (PACKETDROP)((FNORD))
YOUR INTEREST IN THIS TOPIC HAS BEEN LOGGED.

(EOF)

Tags: Uncategorized


       

 

41 responses so far ↓

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    I’m sorry if this is off-totes, Mr. Blaze-Sandchez, but I take issue with your namecalling a character. I really don’t feel Bissell appropriately expresses the quality of your fictional Zhou character. Bissell is a low-rated product among vacuum cleaners.
    How about Zhou-Kenmore or Zhou-Kirby? They receive higher ratings. This would avoid any problems with the Federal Association of Politically-Correct Labeling of Fictional Characters.*
    Thank you for your attention to this sensitive topic.
    { * This is a fictional character and not to be confused with any living or dead nosy relatives. }

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