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My Fellow Americans, the Bombing Begins in Five Minutes

January 28th, 2003 · No Comments

So I’ll be staying late at work this evening in order to provide our webfolk with an instantaneous count of proposals Manchild makes in his speech. For those of you too lazy to click, allow me to give you the Reader’s Digest version.


Hi, the economy sucks. Since you saps have all been so infantilized by an elephantine federal government that you actually believe this is something a president can and should do something about, I’ll be pretending some of those tax cuts I wanted anyway are a “stimulus package,” rather than just a good idea. That should really “grow the economy,” to borrow a frighteningly hubristic and technocratic phrase from my predecessor. Old people vote, and young people don’t: I promise to further fleece the latter in order to hand more goodies to the former. Children. Puppies. Cute bunny rabbits. Children. Finally, we must bomb the living crap out of Iraq in order to make radical Muslims stop wanting to attack the U.S. Thank you, and good night.

Ok, he probably won’t be that direct… and he probably couldn’t pronounce “technocratic” or “predecessor.” Anyway, rest assured, I will be playing the now-ubiquitously-linked drinking game to preserve my sanity. Depending on how near a computer I am & how dense the speech is with proposals, I may blog the speech in realtime for you refresh-button freaks.

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